Happy Orange Gnome

Hello, internets peoples!

I don’t know if the internets knows much about Guelph, so I’ma gonna tell its about its, paesanos.

Guelph is the city where the Mafia go to raise their children and therefore, has an incredibly low crime rate and an incredibly high “accidental” leg breaking rate.

For awhile the Mafia had total control over most of the businesses in Guelph; they were mostly mom and pop operations and were easily intimidated.

But then along came big Wal-Mart, who was not so easily intimidated, to mosey in on the Mafia’s territory.

For years and years the Mafia prevented Wal-Mart from setting up shop by using their vast political influences to deny Wal-Mart zoning, or, as the Italians like to call it: pizzoning.

Eventually though, there arose a city council that the Mafia couldn’t buy off. This city council provided Wal-Mart with its permit, thereby giving the people of Guelph an alternative to Mafia run businesses and freeing the city from its descent into goombahism.

This council was subsequently all voted out and placed in the bottom of a lake in the following election.

And that’s why I’m only going to shop at the the Wal-Mart when I’m in Guelph, because otherwise I’d be a Mafia supporting scumbag.

And now you know the rest of the story.

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So I was watching this horrible magic trick contest show called Phenomenon, which is hosted by Chriss Angel (a fraud) and Uri Geller (a bigger fraud).

So this one guy was doing this trick where he had to pick out and drink a beaker of water from amongst what was supposedly a bunch of beakers of hydrochloric acid, but the whole thing fell apart when he had to prove that it was in fact hydrochloric acid in the beakers.

To prove it was hydrochloric acid, he threw what he told us was aluminium foil into the liquid which caused it to erupt in a glorious display of bubbles, steam and… flame? That didn’t seem right…

I don’t think it was aluminium foil or hydrochloric acid. More likely it was a metal like potassium or lithium and water. So all the beakers were safe! He could’ve drank any one of them and have been fine!

There was no bloody trick there at all! The jerk just lied to everyone and did a ninth grade science experiment.

Magic tricks should always have some slight of hand or a box with a clever trapdoor, not just lies.

And Chriss Angel had a picture of himself on his pants. What a douchebag!

Dearest Stupid Girls,

It has come to my attention that you poor little idiots have decided that it’s cool to post pictures of yourselves half-naked, passed out and covered in puke on the internet, especially on social networking sites.

I don’t know if you have ever heard of the word “retarded”, but I’d say that you are prime examples of it.

The reason your pictures are getting so many views is not because you are cool. It’s because everyone likes to point and laugh at retarded girls and thank the stars that they aren’t one themselves. And school employees like to scan them for underage kids so they can expel people.

You turds are just damaging your entire lives for 15 minutes of infamy (not fame) and I would like you to stop, because your self-destructiveness makes me sad (*grumble* lousy conscience).

However, I would also like to thank you, because no matter how awful things in my life get, I can always say, “at least there are no pictures of me passed out in Jay’s scuzzy basement, with my miniskirt pulled over my head and a stranger’s finger up my ass, like there are of my friend Melinda.”

Love, Mom.

P.S. I regret having ever given birth to you ingrates.

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