Happy Orange Gnome

All day today, all I’ve been hearing about is stupid Vanessa Anne Hudgens (whom I’ve never even heard of before) and her stupid nude photos.

Why does this shit even make the news? Especially when the person involved is some c-grade actress that nobody had even heard of before and she isn’t even doing anything interesting in the photos. She’s just standing there naked. You can find more salacious photos on Wikipedia.

Stupid girls take naked photos of themselves all the time and 80% of those photos get posted on the internet. It’s not news.

If nude photos are going to make the news, it should be at least something like shocking like a picture of Morgan Freeman naked on horseback jerking off to a picture of Vanessa Anne Hudgens. You know, something that’s so outrageously vile that it would be insane for it not to be news.

That’s another complaint of mine. Why are there never any naked photos of male celebrities leaked to the internet?

I DEMAND PATRICK STEWART COCK BE PLACED ON THE INTERTUBES FOR MY AMUSEMENT!

• Penis on a Sunny Day (19)
• Open Letter to All the Stupid Girls (0)

Hola, las gordas! Here’s an update on my crusade to let the world know that big is beautiful, fat is fabulous and that you don’t need to be a skinny bitch to be valued by society.

This past weekend, I was at the mall looking for some new clothes (nothing in my size *grumble*), when a bunch of teenage boys started making mooing noises at me. I was too much woman for them and they couldn’t handle my engorgeousness, so I just kept on walking and ignored them. Ignorant people like that just aren’t worth my time.

And you know, I don’t really mind that much being compared to a cow. At least a fat cow provides a valuable service (milk), whereas a skinny twig just lays around being useless.

I kind of feel bad for those boys, though. Society has cultivated in them an unhealthy archetype for what the perfect woman should look like and someone should tell these boys that that kind of body is unachievable without starving one’s self.

Starvation isn’t beautiful. If it were, then Buddha must have been pretty fucking hot during his ascetic phase.

What was beautiful about Buddha though, was his self confidence. My obesistas, if you only have a little more self confidence, then I’m sure lots of good guys will become infatuated with you. The good ones can always see the greatness inside of you. You shouldn’t bother with the bad ones.

Well, here’s to another week of good meals, good fun and good self worth. Au revoir!

• A Crude, Yet Mystical Digging Tool (0)

This is a shout-out to all my Anna and Mia sisters out there. If you ever feel like the fight is too hard and you’d just like to give up and eat a sandwich, then take some thinspiration from this:

If you ever, ever, eat a sandwich you’ll end up all fat and jolly and children the world over will love you! Is that what you want!? You want greasy little mongrets shoving their sticky fingers in your jellyrolls, while they whisper their Christmas wishes in your ear!? Huh!? No, I don’t think that’s what you want.

If you ever eat a sandwich, I’ll come to your house and kill you. KILL. YOU.

I wrote a poem about how being Anna makes me feel!

Fat Butterfly
I am a fat butterfly
I cannot fly
Sandwiches have weighed me down
I will stop eating them forever
Yay!

Goodbye for now, my sisters. I hope you all reach your goals, or die trying!

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I don’t think that I’d like to partake in any activity that would literally make any part of my body melt off, but all the workout machine and diet infomercials claim that an extreme amount of melting action will take place, if I use their product.

If you want your rolls of fat to literally melt off, then just open up the ark of the covenant, assholes.

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