My mother’s husband’s children don’t know who our current primeminister is. They’re all in their teens. I’d blame the school system, but I know it’s most likely their parents’ fault.
PARENTING PROTIP: Old people, if you create a generation of slobbering ignorami, I’m getting the “Murder She Wrote” reruns taken off the air.
Well, that’s not really a tip so much as a threat.
I can’t sleep again. And so I write.
I’ve just read some H.P. Lovecraft for the first time. The only thing terrifying about it was how crazy racist Lovecraft was. Seriously, the douche refers to various brown peoples as mongrels and ape-like, he seems to have some sort of vendetta against the Congo, and, in one story, some dude owns a cat called “Nigger-Man”. And how the shit do you pronounce “Cthulhu” anyway? Douche.
My family is celebrating Christmas again, despite the fact that we’re all either atheists or pagans. We even have a nativity scene dealie, even though my mother believes that Jesus was an alien and his ascension toward Heaven was really just him being beamed up to the mothership. I think Saturnalia would be a much better winter solstice festival for us. No, not Festivus. We already have enough of the “Airing of Grievances” over the holidays.
Whatever happened to that “Girl Power” fad? Girls these days are defining their self-worth by how pretty and slutty the boys think they are and it makes me want to burn all the Bratz dolls. Also, burn these girls. Burning.
Anyhoo, melatonin time.
We took my grandmother to the dentist and there was a fish tank in the waiting room.
There was this scary looking lady standing with her noise pressed up against the glass of the tank and she was saying things like: “These fish can’t possibly be happy!” “How would you like it if you were locked up all your life!?” “How can the people that run this place be so monumentally evil!?”
She had a horrible flaky bald patch on the side of her head, smelled of doodie and thought that the best way to prepare for a dentist’s appointment was to chew thousands of mints (the kind that are almost entirely sugar) with her mouth gaping open.
I think she’s right. We should let the fish go free and put her in a tank.
“Is this girl a quadroon!?” shrieked my grandmother at the television.
You know grandma, I’m trying really hard to feel sorry for you, what with you dying and all, but when you start screaming out racial slurs from the 1800’s, I find it extremely hard.
Some things like racism should have died out long, long ago. Maybe the people that believe in them should die out too?
It’s a horrible thought.
My mother and I were having a conversation about what technology would be like in the future.
I said that I hoped that soon they could put my brain in a tank so that I could destroy my enemies.
My mom said, “No, your brain is too cute to be put in a tank.”
It’s true; my brain is pretty damned cute.
