Happy Orange Gnome

I’m currently in Nova Scotia. In the airport on the way here a man talked to me while I was buying some Vitamin Water. Apperently he was on the same plane as me, because, according to my mom, he sat across from us when we stopped at the terminal in Winnipeg. I didn’t even notice him. This probably made him sad. Things like this happen a lot. I hardly ever notice the people that notice me.

A disturbing amount of the women in Nova Scotia are going bald. Also, way too many of these people are missing teeth. My mother says that it’s because they’re a bunch of inbred diabetics. I laughed.

Went to see the Watchmen movie tonight. It was good to see Mr. Manhattan’s uncircumcised penis. Hollywood’s lack of foreskin disturbs me. Now they just need to bring pubic hair back.

We also watched Nights in Rodanthe. Why was James Franco in it. WHY!?

My local movie theatre is like the only one within a 300 mile radius, thus, at the best of times, it’s hard to get tickets and decent seats, but when a huge movie like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull rolls in, it’s nigh-impossible, so I went to The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian instead.

The above would seem like a run-on sentence, but it’s not.

Anyhoo, the religious message in Prince Caspian, like in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe before it, is actually buried kind’ve deep. You pretty much have be aware of all the symbolism beforehand and look for it really hard, to notice anything. I very much doubt that your average kid, twelve or under, would notice it on their own. Which is why I am confused that the Religious Right (bum bum BUM), would think that massive box office intake of the Narnia movies means some sort victory for them. The movies, in my mind, are more likely to turn kids on to fantasy than to Jesus. And, as we all know, fantasy is the DEVIL!

I must be getting old, because watching a bunch of children going to war and killing people, in this movie, actually kind’ve upset me. I blame having to do research about the Children’s Crusade and the Lord’s Resistance Army in High School.

• Engorgeous (1)

Heath Ledger has been dead now for less than a day and already the Westboro Baptist Church Fucks are planning on picketing his funeral. A stunt that will no doubt provide them with more media coverage than any of their previous crimes against humanity. And there will be Fred Phelps spouting hate and ignorance, all the while pretending that it’s about upholding God’s law or something, when it’s really about Fred feeding his ego.

Isn’t Pride a sin or something there, Phelps? I know Wrath is one and with the amount you go on about hating things, you definitely exhibit buckets full of Wrath and since getting absolved or rebaptised or whatever the fuck would involve you admitting you’d done something wrong, you’d never do it. By your on stupid religious laws you’re fucking doomed, bitch.

I’m not really sure what I’m going on about here. I guess I’m just pissed off that an actor that has brought lots of entertainment and joy into my life is gone and that some stupid bigoted asshole is going to try and fuck with the bereaved’s shit, just to get his ugly shit face on television again and the fucker will, regardless of whether picketing happens or not.

I’m also pissed off at myself. Until now, I’ve watched the antics of Fred Phelps with indifference. He was just a crazy guy doing crazy shit. It took some stupid shit involving a pretty-boy actor to get me incensed. I’m disappointed in myself for not caring about the little guys Fred’s been fucking with.

Sooooooo, anyway… You like being like Jesus there, Phelps my boy? I’ll make you a fucking martyr. You can even have your own cross to carry, if you want one. Only above yours the plaque will read “King of the Assholes”. On the third day, instead of of you rising from your grave, I’ll be pissing on it and the the world will be a fucking better place.

Well, that’s enough of me venting. I’ll probably regret this in the morning.

Here’s to the day when I have a calmer head that will prevail or whatever.

• Tags+Categories=BAGAGH?! (2)
• I’m Turning into an Old Lady (0)
• December Update (2)

All day today, all I’ve been hearing about is stupid Vanessa Anne Hudgens (whom I’ve never even heard of before) and her stupid nude photos.

Why does this shit even make the news? Especially when the person involved is some c-grade actress that nobody had even heard of before and she isn’t even doing anything interesting in the photos. She’s just standing there naked. You can find more salacious photos on Wikipedia.

Stupid girls take naked photos of themselves all the time and 80% of those photos get posted on the internet. It’s not news.

If nude photos are going to make the news, it should be at least something like shocking like a picture of Morgan Freeman naked on horseback jerking off to a picture of Vanessa Anne Hudgens. You know, something that’s so outrageously vile that it would be insane for it not to be news.

That’s another complaint of mine. Why are there never any naked photos of male celebrities leaked to the internet?

I DEMAND PATRICK STEWART COCK BE PLACED ON THE INTERTUBES FOR MY AMUSEMENT!

• Penis on a Sunny Day (19)
• Open Letter to All the Stupid Girls (0)

Well, I went and saw The Simpsons Movie, with my mother, her boyfriend and his kids (BLARGH).

The movie was basically just 90 minutes of fan service and the creators indulging themselves (“*LOL* we showed Bart’s penis in the movie, because it’s too HAWT for TV”) . This would be perfectly fine if this movie were the grand finale to the series, but there is a new season coming up and the show is probably going to be running for 500 years more, which makes the sort of “last hurrah” tone of this movie kind of ultra-ridiculous.

I’m not saying that The Simpsons Movie isn’t funny, because it really, really is, but I’m a massive internet nerd, so I’m going to list the reasons why this is the WORST MOVIE EVER, in bullet form, because I’m too lasy to formulate any more paragraphs.

• Bart has a baby dick and he should have started puberty by ten.
• President Schwarzenegger looks and sounds just like Ranier Wolfcastle.
• Green Day and Tom Hanks guest star. (Guest stars in a movie?)
• The animation is slightly different than it is in the show and it made me angry.
• It contains environmentalist propaganda.
• Not enough Disco Stu.
• We never find out where Curly’s gold is hidden.
• Marge and Homer’s wedding video shows guests at the wedding, but they eloped in the show.
• It was too damned zany.
• Sexually tension between Homer and the pig.
• It’s just like an extended television episode and doesn’t really offer anything new or special (other than full frontal nudity.)

• NerdL0L (4)

It’s a yeti! You must flee!

In the movie Terminator 2: Judgment Day, John Connor throws the T-800 arm from the terminator that tried to kill his mother into the molten metal, but he doesn’t go back to retrieve the arm that the reprogrammed T-800 broke off in some gears.

That means that there’s still future technology in the past and that we’re all screwed and stuff, right?