Happy Orange Gnome

Way to orchestrate a “sex-in-mouth” party, black-haired naked eight-year-old. I can’t remember if those creeps with the glasses are the boy’s or girl’s parents, but either way, somebody’s going to hell.

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You know, there was a time when I wanted to become an artist and then I drew this…

The thought of a bunch of educated jerks gathering this and seriously critiquing it sickens me. There is no deeper meaning to “Penis on a Sunny Day”. It’s exactly what the title says it is. I have a complete inability to add any pretension to any of my drawings or paintings, which is why I can’t be an artist.

Also, cocks…

• Why is Nudity Newsworthy? (4)

Dude, when I was a youngin, Passion Flakies were just called Flakies! I totally don’t get the name change. I mean a Flakie sounds like a cool guy that I could just hang around in my basement watching television with, but a Passion Flakie sounds like a greasy guy that would have a moustache and try to use a fake Spanish accent to try and seduce me.

I would be all like, “Screw off Passion Flakie“, but Passion Flakie would be all like, “Your mouth says no, but your eyes say yes!” and then I would slap Passion Flakie.

Also, Passion Flakies sounds like the name of a romance novel about two people with psoriasis falling in love!

Screw Passion Flakies! Jos. Louis is where it’s at!

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Pppffff… Who are those Hansons kidding? With their identical haircuts and their mmmbopping and their “oooohhhh, look at us! We’re all brothers that play instruments!” Plus, who in their right mind would name one of their sons Zac and the other one Isaac!?

The only brothers that play instruments that could ever capture my heart would have to be The Moffatts. For one thing, they’re Canadian. You gotta give them props for coming from a sane country! Another thing, three out of four of them are triplets, which makes it much more likely that you could manage a ménage à quatre with them. And finally, they all have different haircuts and identities, unlike those stupid Hanson clones.

In conclusion, you should buy The Moffatts CDs and then help me assassinate the Hansons!

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I had this dream once where I was the beef patty in a hamburger and along came the Hamburglar to try and steal me. I called out to Ronald McDonald for help, but when he turned around to look at me, he had no face. The Hamburglar ended up stealing me, but instead of eating me, he threw me in the air and I flew up and up and up, until I hit the moon.

ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE

• Hi, are you stealing my interwebs of the air? (4)

I don’t think that I’d like to partake in any activity that would literally make any part of my body melt off, but all the workout machine and diet infomercials claim that an extreme amount of melting action will take place, if I use their product.

If you want your rolls of fat to literally melt off, then just open up the ark of the covenant, assholes.

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I saw this creepy advertisement, but I didn’t click it. I honestly don’t want to know what kind of meal made this scary fat man exclaim, “Oh my goodness!” Even if it was, indeed, the best meal ever.

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In Canada we have many different kinds of sales tax. Like the GST (goods and services tax) and the HST (harmonized sales tax), which follows the same rules as the GST. Either the GST or the HST apply to all the provinces but none of the territories. The sales tax applies to almost all consumer goods purchased except those deemed as essential like: basic groceries, prescription drugs etc., which are exempted. All the goods that are not exempted are considered luxury goods.

Funny thing, tampons and sanitary napkins are not exempted from the GST and HST.

Now, I may be crazy, but I wouldn’t exactly call stemming the flow of the river of blood from my vagina a luxury. No, I’d probably call it, oh I don’t know… a NECESSITY!?

The government doesn’t seem to it’s a necessity though, even though they exempt adult diapers and incontinence pads from the GST and HST.

“Alright, we won’t tax you if you’re leaking piss or shit, but if you start to leak blood, then that’s just going too far, bitches!”

Pretty much every female between the ages of 13 and 45 menstruates and the government saw this as a steady stream of income that that they could take advantage of. A vagina tax, if you will.

I almost got upset that there was no penis tax, but then I remembered that porno mags and video games are taxed. That should more than make up for it, right?

• Herpes and other Deal Breakers (0)

I’ve set up a new adoption centre on the sidebar. It’s for characters!

Don’t you love characters? You wouldn’t want a bunch of characters to go without a family would you? You’re not a monster are you?

You had better adopt a character right now then!

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We took my grandmother to the dentist and there was a fish tank in the waiting room.

There was this scary looking lady standing with her noise pressed up against the glass of the tank and she was saying things like: “These fish can’t possibly be happy!” “How would you like it if you were locked up all your life!?” “How can the people that run this place be so monumentally evil!?”

She had a horrible flaky bald patch on the side of her head, smelled of doodie and thought that the best way to prepare for a dentist’s appointment was to chew thousands of mints (the kind that are almost entirely sugar) with her mouth gaping open.

I think she’s right. We should let the fish go free and put her in a tank.

• Quadroon!? (0)