Happy Orange Gnome

We took my grandmother to the dentist and there was a fish tank in the waiting room.

There was this scary looking lady standing with her noise pressed up against the glass of the tank and she was saying things like: “These fish can’t possibly be happy!” “How would you like it if you were locked up all your life!?” “How can the people that run this place be so monumentally evil!?”

She had a horrible flaky bald patch on the side of her head, smelled of doodie and thought that the best way to prepare for a dentist’s appointment was to chew thousands of mints (the kind that are almost entirely sugar) with her mouth gaping open.

I think she’s right. We should let the fish go free and put her in a tank.

• Quadroon!? (0)

Your manic stories gave me ADHD and the “s” in your name screwed up my spelling for many years.

Also, you look pretty crappy without the beard. Grow it back!
Robert Munsch

• Herpes and other Deal Breakers (0)
• Annoying Nomenclature (0)

“Is this girl a quadroon!?” shrieked my grandmother at the television.

You know grandma, I’m trying really hard to feel sorry for you, what with you dying and all, but when you start screaming out racial slurs from the 1800’s, I find it extremely hard.

Some things like racism should have died out long, long ago. Maybe the people that believe in them should die out too?

It’s a horrible thought.

• Fish Are People Too! (0)

My mother and I were having a conversation about what technology would be like in the future.

I said that I hoped that soon they could put my brain in a tank so that I could destroy my enemies.

My mom said, “No, your brain is too cute to be put in a tank.”

It’s true; my brain is pretty damned cute.

Seriously, it dunna taste like the real sugar eh!?