Happy Orange Gnome

Hola, las gordas! Here’s an update on my crusade to let the world know that big is beautiful, fat is fabulous and that you don’t need to be a skinny bitch to be valued by society.

This past weekend, I was at the mall looking for some new clothes (nothing in my size *grumble*), when a bunch of teenage boys started making mooing noises at me. I was too much woman for them and they couldn’t handle my engorgeousness, so I just kept on walking and ignored them. Ignorant people like that just aren’t worth my time.

And you know, I don’t really mind that much being compared to a cow. At least a fat cow provides a valuable service (milk), whereas a skinny twig just lays around being useless.

I kind of feel bad for those boys, though. Society has cultivated in them an unhealthy archetype for what the perfect woman should look like and someone should tell these boys that that kind of body is unachievable without starving one’s self.

Starvation isn’t beautiful. If it were, then Buddha must have been pretty fucking hot during his ascetic phase.

What was beautiful about Buddha though, was his self confidence. My obesistas, if you only have a little more self confidence, then I’m sure lots of good guys will become infatuated with you. The good ones can always see the greatness inside of you. You shouldn’t bother with the bad ones.

Well, here’s to another week of good meals, good fun and good self worth. Au revoir!

• A Crude, Yet Mystical Digging Tool (0)

Ever year, thousands of acres of animal habitat is destroyed in order to drill for the petroleum needed to manufacture Cool Whip.

All those poor little animals have to die, because you want to make your pie taste better!

Be different. Only eat whipped cream derived from natural human breast milk. That way no animals have to suffer!

Answer the call.

• Everywhere I Have Ever Been Sucks (0)

This is a shout-out to all my Anna and Mia sisters out there. If you ever feel like the fight is too hard and you’d just like to give up and eat a sandwich, then take some thinspiration from this:

If you ever, ever, eat a sandwich you’ll end up all fat and jolly and children the world over will love you! Is that what you want!? You want greasy little mongrets shoving their sticky fingers in your jellyrolls, while they whisper their Christmas wishes in your ear!? Huh!? No, I don’t think that’s what you want.

If you ever eat a sandwich, I’ll come to your house and kill you. KILL. YOU.

I wrote a poem about how being Anna makes me feel!

Fat Butterfly
I am a fat butterfly
I cannot fly
Sandwiches have weighed me down
I will stop eating them forever
Yay!

Goodbye for now, my sisters. I hope you all reach your goals, or die trying!

I’m thinking that if I was spending eternity in paradise, that I’d want more than just 72 virgins. I’d want an infinite amount of virgins.

Even if I got bored of virgins, I’d probably want to deflower another one every 1000 years or so, just for kicks.

Eventually though, I’d probably start wondering where all the virgins were coming from. I mean, only so many people that die are actually virgins. Maybe God creates new ones in Heaven just for the enjoyment of the righteous?

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