Happy Orange Gnome

My local movie theatre is like the only one within a 300 mile radius, thus, at the best of times, it’s hard to get tickets and decent seats, but when a huge movie like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull rolls in, it’s nigh-impossible, so I went to The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian instead.

The above would seem like a run-on sentence, but it’s not.

Anyhoo, the religious message in Prince Caspian, like in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe before it, is actually buried kind’ve deep. You pretty much have be aware of all the symbolism beforehand and look for it really hard, to notice anything. I very much doubt that your average kid, twelve or under, would notice it on their own. Which is why I am confused that the Religious Right (bum bum BUM), would think that massive box office intake of the Narnia movies means some sort victory for them. The movies, in my mind, are more likely to turn kids on to fantasy than to Jesus. And, as we all know, fantasy is the DEVIL!

I must be getting old, because watching a bunch of children going to war and killing people, in this movie, actually kind’ve upset me. I blame having to do research about the Children’s Crusade and the Lord’s Resistance Army in High School.

• Engorgeous (1)

Well, I went and saw The Simpsons Movie, with my mother, her boyfriend and his kids (BLARGH).

The movie was basically just 90 minutes of fan service and the creators indulging themselves (“*LOL* we showed Bart’s penis in the movie, because it’s too HAWT for TV”) . This would be perfectly fine if this movie were the grand finale to the series, but there is a new season coming up and the show is probably going to be running for 500 years more, which makes the sort of “last hurrah” tone of this movie kind of ultra-ridiculous.

I’m not saying that The Simpsons Movie isn’t funny, because it really, really is, but I’m a massive internet nerd, so I’m going to list the reasons why this is the WORST MOVIE EVER, in bullet form, because I’m too lasy to formulate any more paragraphs.

• Bart has a baby dick and he should have started puberty by ten.
• President Schwarzenegger looks and sounds just like Ranier Wolfcastle.
• Green Day and Tom Hanks guest star. (Guest stars in a movie?)
• The animation is slightly different than it is in the show and it made me angry.
• It contains environmentalist propaganda.
• Not enough Disco Stu.
• We never find out where Curly’s gold is hidden.
• Marge and Homer’s wedding video shows guests at the wedding, but they eloped in the show.
• It was too damned zany.
• Sexually tension between Homer and the pig.
• It’s just like an extended television episode and doesn’t really offer anything new or special (other than full frontal nudity.)

• NerdL0L (4)

Yes, I downloaded, stayed up all night and read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Yes, it was the PDF where the idiot took photographs of every page, instead of scanning them like a normal person would.

Yes, my eyes are bleeding now.

And, yes, there are going to be lots of spoilers below.

Right off the bat, I’d like to address the rumour that this book leak is a hoax. If it is indeed a hoax, then it’s one of the most well manufactured hoaxes of all time. The person that did it would had to have written an entire book, bound it in a nearly identical manner to the real book and on top of that, kept all of it secret. If it is fake, then the person that faked it is my hero.

Now, on to the review of the actual content of the book. Even if this was not, in fact, written by J.K. Rowling, it is superbly written anyway. From the very first page, as Snape and his buddy, Yaxley, travel to a secret location, the book induces intrigue and excitement in the reader. The author doesn’t waste a single word in getting the reader salivating with anticipation. After all, being the seventh and last book in the Harry Potter series, this is a story all about how my life got flipped – turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air. In West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and all shooting some B-ball outside the school, when a couple of guys, who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighbourhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared. She said, “You’re moving with your auntie and your uncle in Bel Air.” I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said “fresh” and had dice it the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was “rare,” but I thought, “Nah, forget it. Yo, Holmes – to Bel Air.” I pulled up to the house at about seven or eight. I yelled to the cabbie, “Yo, Holmes, smell you later!” I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne, as the Prince of Bel Air.

Ha, I’m just kidding. I’ve put my actual review here: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Review. I’ve put it on a separate page that can’t be spidered and spoil someone that’s searching for unrelated Harry Potter content.

I’m cool like that.

It sucks and a bunch of ugly people die.