Gee, thank you, CBC, for airing this during the breaks in Sesame Street. It’s not like a freaky, flying and flaming demon would haunt the dreams of a little girl, eh!? Eh, you bastards!?

Also, I object to this being one of the A Part of Our Heritage series, seeing as it isn’t an actual event that happened. I don’t even know what the Hell it’s supposed to be about. It’s just some weird story about antiwar tree hugging noble savages.

Apparently, it has something to due with the formation of the Iroquois Confederacy, but it’s a complete misrepresentation of the actually events. The formation of the Iroquois Confederacy was mostly political in origin and was not, in fact, in any way mystical.

*Shakes fist*

The Pinery: The only place in Canada where you can find an oak savanna, which basically means that it’s really sandy and, if you spend any amount of time there, you will be picking sand out of your possessions and body for 3 months afterwards.

Guelph: According to local legend, some epic battle is being waged by the Mafia, the Triads and the Hell’s Angels over who gets to claim Guelph as their own. I have seen absolutely no evidence of this whatsoever. The only gangs in Guelph are the roving gangs of hippies, that will try to coerce you into joining their drum circle and/or sign their petition to shut down the Wal-Mart (their petition to stop the Wal-Mart from being built failed).

The most annoying thing about the hippies is that some of them will adamantly deny that they are, in fact, hippies.

“I may ride an ergonomic bicycle, wear hemp clothing and complain to others about their massive ‘carbon footprints’, but I’m no goddamn hippie! Look at how clean-cut I am!” they say and “Ha!” I laugh.

You’re hippies and your attempts to convince others that you’re not, with your short hair and your Nikes, will not make me change my mind.

Puslinch Township: One day the amount of McDermotts and Pilkingtons in Puslinch is going to hit critical mass and the whole place is going to collapse in on itself, as the billions of cows watch on in horror. No one outside of Puslinch will care though, because no one ever cares about the middle of nowhere, or the people that live there.

Lunenburg: Ah, historic Lunenburg, where the shops close at 4pm, they call the police if you go outside after 10pm, but you can talk about the stupid Bluenose all day long. Seriously, it’s the most backwards place I have ever been. Everyone there is like 300 years old and retarded. They complain constantly about things like stores being open on Sunday, not being able to understand the “new-fangled-internet-thing”, the “Evil Foreigners” that the government let in the country, how things aren’t the way they were 300 years ago etc. etc. etc. And then, in the very next sentence, relay their confusion over why all the young people are leaving.

Please tell me, why do you people steal so much copper wiring? All I ever heard about on the news there was how some more copper wiring had been stolen. Surely getting a job would take less effort than sneaking into a building and tearing the wiring out of the walls.

And, for the record, the reason the government sends more money to Ontario then Nova Scotia, is because Ontario has 12 times the population of Nova Scotia, not because they’re “jerks what hate the Maritimes”.

Cochrane: Cochrane is full of annoying rednecks and annoying “alternative culture” people. All the “Alternative Culture” kids want to move to Vancouver when they grow up. Little do they know that it’s really expensive to live in Vancouver and, to pay for it, they’d probably have to work for one of those “Evil Corporations”, that they claim to despise, while at the same time consuming products made by these “Evil Corporations” at an alarming rate. “Conformist” shit and “Alternative” shit is all made by the same underpaid 5-year-old in China, you tards.

Also, I saw at least three trucks emblazoned with Confederate flags in Cochrane and that doesn’t make any sort of sense at all.

Note to the rednecks that live there: Wearing a cowboy hat, when you live in a suburb and have never even seen a horse, doesn’t make you a cowboy, it makes you a douche bag. And eating steak every night is a good way to get your ass dead by the age of 35.

Toronto: What kind of fucking crazy wank-job did you do to the ROM!? You retarded bastards! And what’s with all the dumb-looking moose sculptures? There hasn’t been a moose anywhere near Toronto for like 200 years.

Everytime I come home from Toronto, my snot is pitch black. That’s reason enough to hate the place.

African Lion Safari: This place is one of the most depressing places I have ever been. All the animals hardly moved and they looked incredibly sad (having cars drive close to you constantly probably isn’t good for the psyche) and their “African habitats” incorporated huge piles of small rocks for some inexplicable reason.

Also, according to my parents, when they went there one time, before I was born, some baboons ate their windshield wipers. Baboons are jerks.

Seriously, avoid this shiat and go to the Toronto Zoo, if you want to see animals.

Quebec City: I’m not sure why this place is considered tourism worthy. Sure, there are some nice looking old buildings, but they’re filled with chincy souvenir shops that all sell the same crap now and, for some reason, the people that run these shops get incredibly irritated when you speak English to them.

It’s a souvenir shop. Most tourists don’t speak French. Stop being such sourpusses, you wankers.

Fun Fact: Quebecers try and act like they have such close ties to France and shit, but actual French people hate Quebec, because, apparently, Quebecan French sounds nearly retarded and incoherent to a Parisian French speaker. Not as retarded as Montrealan French, though.

Chicago: There’s absolutely no parking. The buildings and public transit are rundown. The hobos will eat you and your entire family. But, as far as I can tell, this describes just about every major city in the U.S. and A.

Aberfoyle: My saltdough sculpture should have come in 1st, not 3rd, at the Fall Fair, you sons of bitches. *shakes fist*

My Mind: Holy shit, enough with the pink elephants already.

Yeaaahhhh… These aren’t really funny to anyone except me. Except the Star Wars one, that one isn’t funny to anyone.

I find this especially annoying, because my name is also a common noun in the English language and surely people have heard the term “rest upon one’s laurels” several times in their lives. However, they may be suffering from this strange disorder that I’ve encountered in stupid where, when faced with a word they have never seen before, they will replace it with a word that they are more familiar with. They’ve probably been reading it as “rest upon one’s Laurens” all these years, which would explain why people consistently read my name out as “Lauren” without skipping a beat.

I blame whoever invented that retarded “Whole Language” reading method, where kids are taught to memorize entire words instead of sounding them out, leaving them completely helpless to deal with words that are unfamiliar. We may as well go back to using fucking pictograms, if we’re going to be using this “Whole Language” shit.

I still get mad at people that misspell my name, even though they get it phonetically correct most of the time (when they don’t, it makes me want to destroy them). I honestly cannot believe, as I reiterate, that they have never encountered the word “laurel” before. Maybe a common noun doubling as a proper noun throws them for a loop.

I get angrier when other people spell their own names retardedly, though, because it makes me misspell things and I hate when I misspell things.

Or, alternatively, I’m spelling their names correctly and they’re the ones that are spelling it wrong. Anyway, if I see another “Ashli”, “Jannifer” or “Benn”, I shall be very upset indeed and perhaps I will scowl or something.

Note to parents: People cannot hear how things are spelled. Your “unique” spelling of your child’s name with serve only to annoy them and those around them.

Which leads me to American Idol and the lovely “Temptresse”. Well, she isn’t lovely so much as she is 400 pounds and will eat me. But her name -Oh what a name!- makes me actually appreciate my weird name. My name, however weird it may be, doesn’t sound like a retarded stripper’s name. And adding that superfluous “e” to the end of “temptress” (which would have been a horrible enough name on its own), is just the icing on the retarded name cake. It tells me that 1. her mother is stupid and doesn’t understand what the word “temptress” really means (generally, in our society, a temptress is considered a bad thing) and 2. she didn’t think that the name “Temptress” would be unique enough, so she had to add an “e”.

Or she doesn’t know how “temptress” is really spelt. In which case, I may weep openly.

Isn’t Pride a sin or something there, Phelps? I know Wrath is one and with the amount you go on about hating things, you definitely exhibit buckets full of Wrath and since getting absolved or rebaptised or whatever the fuck would involve you admitting you’d done something wrong, you’d never do it. By your on stupid religious laws you’re fucking doomed, bitch.

I’m not really sure what I’m going on about here. I guess I’m just pissed off that an actor that has brought lots of entertainment and joy into my life is gone and that some stupid bigoted asshole is going to try and fuck with the bereaved’s shit, just to get his ugly shit face on television again and the fucker will, regardless of whether picketing happens or not.

I’m also pissed off at myself. Until now, I’ve watched the antics of Fred Phelps with indifference. He was just a crazy guy doing crazy shit. It took some stupid shit involving a pretty-boy actor to get me incensed. I’m disappointed in myself for not caring about the little guys Fred’s been fucking with.

Sooooooo, anyway… You like being like Jesus there, Phelps my boy? I’ll make you a fucking martyr. You can even have your own cross to carry, if you want one. Only above yours the plaque will read “King of the Assholes”. On the third day, instead of of you rising from your grave, I’ll be pissing on it and the the world will be a fucking better place.

Well, that’s enough of me venting. I’ll probably regret this in the morning.

Here’s to the day when I have a calmer head that will prevail or whatever.

I don’t know about you, but if I found out that my husband had herpes, he wouldn’t remain my husband for very much longer. In fact, I’d probably murder his sorry ass and I sure as Hell wouldn’t let him anywhere near my vagina ever again, even if he was taking Valtrex to control his outbreaks (ew ew ew fucking ew!)

Generally speaking, if you have periodic outbreaks of anything, I’m going to pitch you to the curve. Outbreaks are a deal breaker for me.

For example, I would be extremely displeased with periodic outbreaks of choreographed song and dance with the villagers. Those villagers must toil day and night in my mines and fields, if we are to achieved the quotas set forth by the Five Year Plan.

I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE STALIN MURDER MY ASS AGAIN!

That reminds me. Being Joseph Stalin is also a deal breaker for me.

I just really hate moustaches. Although, I am impartial to beards with moustaches, but not without moustaches.

I’m weird like that.

Can someone please send me some gauze? I think my brain is leaking out my ear!

So, for the sake of my  nerves and future generations, could the following people please obtain some sort of birth control or have themselves sterilized:

• Drug addicts
• People that don’t have the means to feed themselves, let alone a child (”Eat your dirt sandwich or else you wont get any dirt pie, bitch!”)
• Fundamentalists and/or extremists of basically every sort (”Here, Billy, be a good lad and hold this picture of a bloody aborted foetus at our rally!”)
• Those that are emotionally unstable (”I’m looking at you, Mom and Dad!” *weeps uncontrollably*)
• People with really crooked teeth (braces suck!)
• People that can pass on horrible genetic disorders (see: crooked teeth)
• People with AIDS and/or various other mother to child transferable diseases
• People that don’t know what proper nutrition is (I’m tired of fat children blocking my way to the ginger beef at the buffet!)
• The wilfully ignorant
• The regular ignorant
• Anyone that wears thongs as their everyday underwear
• Anyone that calls a father a “babydaddy”
• Britney Spears

Please, this is all that I want and if you give me this one thing,  I will never ask you for anything else ever again.

But I know you fuckers, you’re just going to continue fucking fucking and making more little fuckers until our entire world is full of retarded fucktards. Damn, I hate you.

And, yes, I do know what I’m talking about. I’ve raised 14 sons and they’ve all grown up to become doctor-lawyers!

I don’t know if the internets knows much about Guelph, so I’ma gonna tell its about its, paesanos.

Guelph is the city where the Mafia go to raise their children and therefore, has an incredibly low crime rate and an incredibly high “accidental” leg breaking rate.

For awhile the Mafia had total control over most of the businesses in Guelph; they were mostly mom and pop operations and were easily intimidated.

But then along came big Wal-Mart, who was not so easily intimidated, to mosey in on the Mafia’s territory.

For years and years the Mafia prevented Wal-Mart from setting up shop by using their vast political influences to deny Wal-Mart zoning, or, as the Italians like to call it: pizzoning.

Eventually though, there arose a city council that the Mafia couldn’t buy off. This city council provided Wal-Mart with its permit, thereby giving the people of Guelph an alternative to Mafia run businesses and freeing the city from its descent into goombahism.

This council was subsequently all voted out and placed in the bottom of a lake in the following election.

And that’s why I’m only going to shop at the the Wal-Mart when I’m in Guelph, because otherwise I’d be a Mafia supporting scumbag.

And now you know the rest of the story.

So this one guy was doing this trick where he had to pick out and drink a beaker of water from amongst what was supposedly a bunch of beakers of hydrochloric acid, but the whole thing fell apart when he had to prove that it was in fact hydrochloric acid in the beakers.

To prove it was hydrochloric acid, he threw what he told us was aluminium foil into the liquid which caused it to erupt in a glorious display of bubbles, steam and… flame? That didn’t seem right…

I don’t think it was aluminium foil or hydrochloric acid. More likely it was a metal like potassium or lithium and water. So all the beakers were safe! He could’ve drank any one of them and have been fine!

There was no bloody trick there at all! The jerk just lied to everyone and did a ninth grade science experiment.

Magic tricks should always have some slight of hand or a box with a clever trapdoor, not just lies.

And Chriss Angel had a picture of himself on his pants. What a douchebag!

It has come to my attention that you poor little idiots have decided that it’s cool to post pictures of yourselves half-naked, passed out and covered in puke on the internet, especially on social networking sites.

I don’t know if you have ever heard of the word “retarded”, but I’d say that you are prime examples of it.

The reason your pictures are getting so many views is not because you are cool. It’s because everyone likes to point and laugh at retarded girls and thank the stars that they aren’t one themselves. And school employees like to scan them for underage kids so they can expel people.

You turds are just damaging your entire lives for 15 minutes of infamy (not fame) and I would like you to stop, because your self-destructiveness makes me sad (*grumble* lousy conscience).

However, I would also like to thank you, because no matter how awful things in my life get, I can always say, “at least there are no pictures of me passed out in Jay’s scuzzy basement, with my miniskirt pulled over my head and a stranger’s finger up my ass, like there are of my friend Melinda.”

Love, Mom.

P.S. I regret having ever given birth to you ingrates.