Happy Orange Gnome

I can’t sleep again. And so I write.

I’ve just read some H.P. Lovecraft for the first time. The only thing terrifying about it was how crazy racist Lovecraft was. Seriously, the douche refers to various brown peoples as mongrels and ape-like, he seems to have some sort of vendetta against the Congo, and, in one story, some dude owns a cat called “Nigger-Man”. And how the shit do you pronounce “Cthulhu” anyway? Douche.

My family is celebrating Christmas again, despite the fact that we’re all either atheists or pagans. We even have a nativity scene dealie, even though my mother believes that Jesus was an alien and his ascension toward Heaven was really just him being beamed up to the mothership. I think Saturnalia would be a much better winter solstice festival for us. No, not Festivus. We already have enough of the “Airing of Grievances” over the holidays.

Whatever happened to that “Girl Power” fad? Girls these days are defining their self-worth by how pretty and slutty the boys think they are  and it makes me want to burn all the Bratz dolls. Also, burn these girls. Burning.

Anyhoo, melatonin time.

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I’ve decided that what I really want for Antichristmas this year is for people who have no business doing it to stop breeding, because everytime you see some poor kid suffering needlessly you can bet about 90% it’s because their parents were under qualified for the job.

So, for the sake of my  nerves and future generations, could the following people please obtain some sort of birth control or have themselves sterilized:

• Drug addicts
• People that don’t have the means to feed themselves, let alone a child (”Eat your dirt sandwich or else you wont get any dirt pie, bitch!”)
• Fundamentalists and/or extremists of basically every sort (”Here, Billy, be a good lad and hold this picture of a bloody aborted foetus at our rally!”)
• Those that are emotionally unstable (”I’m looking at you, Mom and Dad!” *weeps uncontrollably*)
• People with really crooked teeth (braces suck!)
• People that can pass on horrible genetic disorders (see: crooked teeth)
• People with AIDS and/or various other mother to child transferable diseases
• People that don’t know what proper nutrition is (I’m tired of fat children blocking my way to the ginger beef at the buffet!)
• The wilfully ignorant
• The regular ignorant
• Anyone that wears thongs as their everyday underwear
• Anyone that calls a father a “babydaddy”
• Britney Spears

Please, this is all that I want and if you give me this one thing,  I will never ask you for anything else ever again.

But I know you fuckers, you’re just going to continue fucking fucking and making more little fuckers until our entire world is full of retarded fucktards. Damn, I hate you.

And, yes, I do know what I’m talking about. I’ve raised 14 sons and they’ve all grown up to become doctor-lawyers!

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