Happy Orange Gnome

Hello, internets peoples!

I don’t know if the internets knows much about Guelph, so I’ma gonna tell its about its, paesanos.

Guelph is the city where the Mafia go to raise their children and therefore, has an incredibly low crime rate and an incredibly high “accidental” leg breaking rate.

For awhile the Mafia had total control over most of the businesses in Guelph; they were mostly mom and pop operations and were easily intimidated.

But then along came big Wal-Mart, who was not so easily intimidated, to mosey in on the Mafia’s territory.

For years and years the Mafia prevented Wal-Mart from setting up shop by using their vast political influences to deny Wal-Mart zoning, or, as the Italians like to call it: pizzoning.

Eventually though, there arose a city council that the Mafia couldn’t buy off. This city council provided Wal-Mart with its permit, thereby giving the people of Guelph an alternative to Mafia run businesses and freeing the city from its descent into goombahism.

This council was subsequently all voted out and placed in the bottom of a lake in the following election.

And that’s why I’m only going to shop at the the Wal-Mart when I’m in Guelph, because otherwise I’d be a Mafia supporting scumbag.

And now you know the rest of the story.

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