Everywhere I Have Ever Been Sucks
Sunday, April 6th, 2008Canada’s Wonderland: I haven’t actually been there since I was about 12, because waiting half an hour in line so I can be spun in a centrifuge for 30 seconds is not my idea of fun, but, from what I remember, Canada’s Wonderland contains glorious attractions, such as: pavement covered in gum, benches covered in gum, trees coved in gum and $3 cans of Coke.
The Pinery: The only place in Canada where you can find an oak savanna, which basically means that it’s really sandy and, if you spend any amount of time there, you will be picking sand out of your possessions and body for 3 months afterwards.
Guelph: According to local legend, some epic battle is being waged by the Mafia, the Triads and the Hell’s Angels over who gets to claim Guelph as their own. I have seen absolutely no evidence of this whatsoever. The only gangs in Guelph are the roving gangs of hippies, that will try to coerce you into joining their drum circle and/or sign their petition to shut down the Wal-Mart (their petition to stop the Wal-Mart from being built failed).
The most annoying thing about the hippies is that some of them will adamantly deny that they are, in fact, hippies.
“I may ride an ergonomic bicycle, wear hemp clothing and complain to others about their massive ‘carbon footprints’, but I’m no goddamn hippie! Look at how clean-cut I am!” they say and “Ha!” I laugh.
You’re hippies and your attempts to convince others that you’re not, with your short hair and your Nikes, will not make me change my mind.
Puslinch Township: One day the amount of McDermotts and Pilkingtons in Puslinch is going to hit critical mass and the whole place is going to collapse in on itself, as the billions of cows watch on in horror. No one outside of Puslinch will care though, because no one ever cares about the middle of nowhere, or the people that live there.
Lunenburg: Ah, historic Lunenburg, where the shops close at 4pm, they call the police if you go outside after 10pm, but you can talk about the stupid Bluenose all day long. Seriously, it’s the most backwards place I have ever been. Everyone there is like 300 years old and retarded. They complain constantly about things like stores being open on Sunday, not being able to understand the “new-fangled-internet-thing”, the “Evil Foreigners” that the government let in the country, how things aren’t the way they were 300 years ago etc. etc. etc. And then, in the very next sentence, relay their confusion over why all the young people are leaving.
Please tell me, why do you people steal so much copper wiring? All I ever heard about on the news there was how some more copper wiring had been stolen. Surely getting a job would take less effort than sneaking into a building and tearing the wiring out of the walls.
And, for the record, the reason the government sends more money to Ontario then Nova Scotia, is because Ontario has 12 times the population of Nova Scotia, not because they’re “jerks what hate the Maritimes”.
Cochrane: Cochrane is full of annoying rednecks and annoying “alternative culture” people. All the “Alternative Culture” kids want to move to Vancouver when they grow up. Little do they know that it’s really expensive to live in Vancouver and, to pay for it, they’d probably have to work for one of those “Evil Corporations”, that they claim to despise, while at the same time consuming products made by these “Evil Corporations” at an alarming rate. “Conformist” shit and “Alternative” shit is all made by the same underpaid 5-year-old in China, you tards.
Also, I saw at least three trucks emblazoned with Confederate flags in Cochrane and that doesn’t make any sort of sense at all.
Note to the rednecks that live there: Wearing a cowboy hat, when you live in a suburb and have never even seen a horse, doesn’t make you a cowboy, it makes you a douche bag. And eating steak every night is a good way to get your ass dead by the age of 35.
Toronto: What kind of fucking crazy wank-job did you do to the ROM!? You retarded bastards! And what’s with all the dumb-looking moose sculptures? There hasn’t been a moose anywhere near Toronto for like 200 years.
Everytime I come home from Toronto, my snot is pitch black. That’s reason enough to hate the place.
African Lion Safari: This place is one of the most depressing places I have ever been. All the animals hardly moved and they looked incredibly sad (having cars drive close to you constantly probably isn’t good for the psyche) and their “African habitats” incorporated huge piles of small rocks for some inexplicable reason.
Also, according to my parents, when they went there one time, before I was born, some baboons ate their windshield wipers. Baboons are jerks.
Seriously, avoid this shiat and go to the Toronto Zoo, if you want to see animals.
Quebec City: I’m not sure why this place is considered tourism worthy. Sure, there are some nice looking old buildings, but they’re filled with chincy souvenir shops that all sell the same crap now and, for some reason, the people that run these shops get incredibly irritated when you speak English to them.
It’s a souvenir shop. Most tourists don’t speak French. Stop being such sourpusses, you wankers.
Fun Fact: Quebecers try and act like they have such close ties to France and shit, but actual French people hate Quebec, because, apparently, Quebecan French sounds nearly retarded and incoherent to a Parisian French speaker. Not as retarded as Montrealan French, though.
Chicago: There’s absolutely no parking. The buildings and public transit are rundown. The hobos will eat you and your entire family. But, as far as I can tell, this describes just about every major city in the U.S. and A.
Aberfoyle: My saltdough sculpture should have come in 1st, not 3rd, at the Fall Fair, you sons of bitches. *shakes fist*
My Mind: Holy shit, enough with the pink elephants already.